Today, I had a mild panic attack. They come to us all, sometimes when we least expect it. My day was filled with over exaggerated smiles and love. Each day I usually have to take a minute to collect myself and to truly accept and appreciate the love I am constantly surrounded and immersed in. We can call it meditation or perhaps a moment that you choose to keep just to yourself, to perhaps center yourself and recollect your thoughts.
As the wonderful day lead to night, I started to feel a little un-easy about an email I received. I won’t say what it was about, just something superficial that made me cringe and question my motifs, as we all sometimes do.
I was talking to a friend via social media about how I was feeling and she said something to me that made me really appreciate myself. She said, “But you always say things work itself out. Just think about what you have done in the past 6 months! Look out the window to where you are now! Look at the people who are letting you stay with them!”
I did as she told me, I stopped staring at the screen and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and opened them again. In front of me I had 3 crazy girls laughing at each other as they drunk their wine. I looked to the right of me where the frosted window led me to the night sky. Here I am, sitting in London, England.
When I first arrived in London I packed a bag of things to leave behind so I wouldnt have to carry them around Europe. I thought that tonight was a better time than any to go through this bag and get rid of what I don’t want and keep what I do. In it I found my journal that I had been writing in throughout the US and Mexico. I had decided to leave it in London as I thought it would inconvenience me backpacking through Europe (rookie mistake). I just finished reading through all I had written, and I realized something. I am the person that picks myself back up every day, I am the one that holds my head up as I venture through the world. I have people who help me, people who inspire me as I move forward. But in the end, I am the one that keeps me going. That is a pretty amazing thing. You are the one that holds yourself up, in the end, you will always be your greatest asset. You will always be the one you need the most.
Here are a few paragraphs/quotes from my journal that I have written over the time I was in the US and Mexico. Starting from when I first got on the plane in Sydney to fly to San Francisco:
10/08/2014 “I don’t belong behind a desk or a cash register for that matter. I refuse to live my life, 8 hours a day in a job I can only mildly stand. For what? So on the weekend I can splurge all my money on alcohol and blind myself to the fact that my earnings go to something superficial and consumingly degrading. I crave so much more than that, I want more than that, and I am going to get it. So here I am, waking up after a corporate sleep. Surprising friends in San Francisco, friends who probably thought that they would never see me again. San Francisco I have been missing you, and I’m pretty sure you’ve been missing me, well… I’m coming home.”
12/08/2014 “It feels like home. It feels like I never left. The familiar streets leaving me lost in a daze, but I don’t care because to me I was once again found. This city is as magical as ever. It was not just a beautiful dream, I did not over exaggerate this, it’s just how I remembered it, better even… and it is fucking fantastic.”
15/08/2013 “It’s such a bizarre thing to comprehend.That you are there, in a room she once sat with you in, talking about how she is now in her grave. It’s just not fair. When I get into bed I fall asleep straight away and the next morning I leave for a road trip with someone I met earlier that day.”
16/08/2014 “Driving into that California sunset. Life is pretty splendid. I honestly feel so blessed and like the stars are gazing down on me, pulsating me with thus beautiful holistic power. “
17/08/2014 “Woke up this morning ready to hitch up to LA, not sure of where I will be sleeping but high hopes of finding someone who will take me in for the night. Caught a ride up after an hour with my thumb out, an old soul, with a young heart.
Got to LA, was going to sleep on the beach at Santa Monica Pier, was walking onto the beach when my phone picked up WIFI and I received a message from a couch surfer who informed me I could crash with him. I am so completely grateful for these wonderful beings and wonderful experiences that continuously flow into my life.”
29/08/2014 “Tomorrow I leave San Francisco for a new adventure. I have found a lift from an old friend to LA, where I will then hitch to Arizona.”
1/09/2014 “The aim is to create your sustainable life, eventually using no other resources but your own. Simplicity at its finest.”
3/09/2014 “There is so much to learn. My head thrives as I take it all in. Arizona sunsets have me booming. I watched it go down again tonight, it’s playful rainbow portraying my horizon. What a beautiful life.”
10/09/2014 “ ‘I aint gonna hurt you’, He was heading home to Colorado and had to pass through Northern New Mexico anyway, ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ I thought to myself as I jumped in the car, maybe a little half reluctantly.”
“They were full-blown hicks, red necks like no other. Watching the super moon light up the fields helped me rest my head.”
“I like this town A LOT, maybe i’ll get stuck here a while…”
*No Date* “Tess was magic, the way she opened so many peoples eyes, allowing them to no longer see ignorance, but a chance to make a difference, the way she made people believe and see past any evil. That’s magic.
And timing, timing is magical. Timing misplaced to another time can seem like a bad thing. But then you meet someone or see something you wouldnt have unless that original timing had been set astray. That is magic.
The sky is magic. It’s different colors radiating beauty. It’s intense universe that leads way into the distance.
But people, people are the most magic. When we forget to believe in ourselves, thats when magic starts to frail, but we are magic. What we do, what we can create, our potential and the way we come together.”
13/09/2014 “Went to the farmers markets today. A palm reader gave me a free reading. She told me I am here to teach, to counsel, and above all, to spread my love and gratitude to all I meet. She told me about the mystic cross between my hands and my heart. It protects me, the universe is in correspondence with it. I was told that by creating my own self outside of those who have known me my whole life has been some what of a challenge, but I have graciously succeeded. She helped me understand a lot, I continue to grow and trust myself. Most importantly, I continue to learn that I am the one who I need most in my life.”
*No Date* “I don’t know much but I know this to be true. When the air you breathe is fresh and your sky line is mountains, your floor bed the dirt, there is not much to be but happy. The smell of the earth, in its dusty red smog is full. Use your body to run and jump and scream and release. You are happier than happy could ever well be.”
*No Date* “Oats your so warm and squishy, you make me feel so damn pretty. Every stranger that I meet, give me oats to fall asleep. You’re the only grain in the world that doesnt make me want to hurl.”
21/09/2014 “When I think about you (often) I think about love. I feel wholesome and humble. I see you there, and I feel it coming. It scares me, but only ever so slightly, in the best kind of way.
The way that if you were to leave I would hurt, if you were to stay I would crumble, and if you were to never show, I would cry. You frighten me so much, but my biggest fear of all would be if you were to never have arrived. If you never had arrived, you would in not arriving, never have to leave. If this was so, I would never have had to feel that immense heart breaking, spectacularly aching feeling. That would be the saddest of all things to happen. I have no fear, whatever will be will be. I feel it so in every way.”
*No Date* “From something as big as that miracle you never thought you would see, from something as small as a smile or a glance from a stranger. It can be twisted and turned into so much more. We as humans have the ability to shape these moments into what we want. It’s all how we perceive it, how we see it. What do you see?”
25/09/2014 “On my way to Mexico, entering in from Texas. Austin was fun-filled and tiring. The heights of the cities buildings escalated so high that it fogged my brain and alarmed my senses. Illuminating some light and reforming old habits. I yearn for the slower paced scenery, mountains and extravagant landscapes. Ones with mixed greens, oranges, yellows, reds and blues. Concrete is grey. Lifeless.”
*No Date* “San Francisco or Europe? Things are not always what they seem.”
At the end of this page a quote from ‘The Dharma Bum’ by Jack Kerouac “I really believed that I was an old time bhikku in modern clothes wandering the world. (Usually the immense triangular arc of New York to Mexico City to San Francisco). In order to wheel of the true meaning, or Dharma and gain merit for myself as a future awakener.”
Since finding this journal and reading my own thoughts I have become once again humbled at how well looked after I am by the universe, with some action, I know that any obstacle objected in front of me, I will cross maybe not so cautiously but ever so creatively.